We're Engaged!

Welcome Back! Some exciting news has transpired since my last post, I am engaged! He popped the question on May 25th 2012, i said yes! So enjoy a little glimpse into our happiness!

My ring that I am in LOVE with – its the right amount of modern and traditional and so filled with LOVE.  I’m so excited, but mostly because I get to spend the rest of my life with my best friend and the greatest man I know!

The ring is pretty styling if I do say so myself. Austin’s got nice taste! Hehe. I have very teeny fingers.

Austin proposed to me in a super stylish hotel room, (Hotel Murano in Seattle, Washington) said he couldn't wait any longer. Before he could even start his speech i quickly covered his eyes. I was overfilled with joy and happiness and couldn't believe this was really happening. We talked about marriage before but i never expected him to actually propose to me before he moved back to Texas. Is this really happening? To my surprise he whipped out the most beautiful ring i could ever have hoped to wear and call mine! I knew it was expensive and i was completely flattered that he thought i was worth it.

We told my parents. His parents already knew before it even happened. I told my sister and made her my official Maid of Honor! We also announced it to our friends! 

We set a date for November 2, 2013. I'm so excited. Nothing is set in stone though, it really depends on the venue we book and if the Military decides they have other plans for us. Fingers crossed that it doesn't!

Here's a view with the wedding band! You can actually put one on each side!

Front view!

Austin is my best friend. He is charming, reliable, funny, God-loving, and sensitive all in one, big, attractive, manly package. We've been together 1 year and 7 months. Since we first became a couple i wanted to be around him all the time. The Military had other plans for us. I am so happy i have been strong enough to stand by him. I could not be more excited to see what God has planned for us! Austin means so much to me and i can't believe he is actually going to marry me!

Always & Forever

I think about you a lot to be honest. If you ask me, i wouldn't deny it. You always seem to sneak into my head, i like talking to you because you make me smile all the time, you're the only one who can make me smile at the mention of your name and i'm happy with it. I can't really explain anything else, because you're someone special to me and something different. It's a good thing though, i like it. It makes you interesting. You aren't like the "others" and i respect you for that. Be yourself, you have a beautiful personality and that would be a big loss if you changed it.

Right Here Waiting

This week's topic is loyalty and faithfulness; an issue pretty close to my heart. Austin and I were only a few days into our relationship before he left. Most people thought I was crazy to think that I could really have a long distance relationship with a man I had only known for a few weeks; but I was certain. I knew deep down that not only was I completely in love with Austin, but that I would wait as long as I had to for us to be together.

It feels a bit strange to me that I am even writing this post. It would seem to me that in any relationship, it would be obvious that cheating is verboten. However, I've been around the military enough to know that cheating all too frequently portrayed as inevitable.

I have a difficult time with that idea. The thought of cheating on Austin never occurred to me. Was it difficult to be without him for eleven months? Hell yeah it was!! But he was the one I wanted, so why even consider looking elsewhere?

All the military girlfriends and wives I surrounded myself with felt the same way. I did know of girls who were screwing around, but they were a minority by far. Most of us were (and still are) fiercely loyal and completely faithful.

Not to say that temptation doesn't exist. I really do think that guys have this homing beacon that they sense when a girl has a deployed boyfriend/husband. When Austin left, it was as if guys just came out of the woodwork. It's as though deployments/distance can turn otherwise nice civilian guys into creeps who are convinced that military girlfriends/wive want nothing more than to leave their men for them.

For me, the extra attention was the last thing I wanted. I wanted Austin, plain and simple...nothing and no one else. One guy told me he could make me really happy. My response: "Great, so you're going to go get my boyfriend for me? Because he's the only one who's going to make me that happy right now."

I've been cheated on before and it's not in me to be that girl. I could never cause Austin that kind of pain. No matter how bad things ever got, cheating was never even a consideration. So, while Austin has a lot of things to worry about while he's gone, my faithfulness and our relationship weren't on that list.

The opposite of love is not hate...It's indifference. ~ Elie Wiesel

That's how I've been feeling lately.. Indifferent. Indifferent about everything. About who I am, what I want and who I want to be. Indifferent about my friendships, my love and my life. The people I long to hold onto the most are the people I seem to be losing the quickest, and it is all my fault. Maybe not right out and obvious but it is all me. I pull away. I pull away from everyone. If I'm not close to anyone, I can't hurt them anymore.

Eventually, I just became numb. A ghost of who I used to be. I plastered a fake smile on my face and pretended everything was okay. And it was, until I realized that by keeping everyone else in the blue, I am torturing myself. To the world, I am the happiest person around. My friends know me as the outgoing smart ass who will say or do anything because she can. I'm the girl who laughs hysterically at everything and never stops smiling. I'm the girl who will stick her neck out for the friends who don't deserve it because I am terrified of losing them. I'm also the girl who has a notebook filled with every bad thought about myself I have ever had. I'm hiding who I am under who I used to be. 

The only thing worth it anymore is Austin. He's a major upgrade from who I usually date. He worships the ground I walk on, adores me and makes me feel like I am special. He calls me beautiful and for a second, I almost believe him. But then I start to wonder, is any of this true? You know the saying 'you can't love anyone until you learn to love yourself''? That's how I feel about him. He loves me, I know he does. He'd do anything for me but I am so numb that I can barely feel anything. I want to love him. I want to let him in and give myself to him but I just can't. I feel like I'm cheating him but there is nothing I can do about it. I know he deserves better than a girl who only wishes she could feel something. He makes me want to feel everything you're supposed to feel when you're in a relationship. When I'm with him, the numbness fades. Not completely, barely even enough to register but enough that I want to hold on and never let go. I feel like i upset him a lot, and that he isn't as happy as he says he is with me. 

It's hard but I'm working through it. I'll plaster another smile on my face and pray that one day I won't have to pretend anymore. Pray that one day I will actually be able to feel again. Love again. Be, again. I miss who I was. But I'm terrified of who I will become. I want to be the girl I convince people I am. I really do.

Bette

Some civilians might feel awkward around people whose sweethearts are deployed – not sure what to say or what gestures to make. I’ve been very fortunate, because even though most of my friends and family aren’t directly connected with the military, they’ve still managed to be wonderful support over the past year. I can’t speak for the others left on the home front, but I have figured out a few things that work for me.

Don’t:

Say you don’t know how I can handle this. We all play the hands we’re dealt, and this is no different. I know you mean well, but pity doesn’t help.

Tease me for carrying my mobile phone everywhere I go and checking facebook obsessively, just in case he gets a chance to call, text or write something.

I see other's complain about being apart from your significant other for what I would consider a short time, say, a week. Do you have an idea of when he’s coming back? Is he getting shot at like some soldiers? No? Then I can’t muster much sympathy.

Unless you’re ready to enlist, don’t tell me how great you think this war is and list the countries you think “we” should invade next.

Ask why I haven't moved to where he’s stationed, or suggest he transfer to where I live. The Army doesn’t work that way.

Do:

Ask about him. It won’t upset me, or suddenly remind me of what he’s doing. He’s on my mind 24 hours a day anyway. Besides, I like talking about him.

Invite me to do things, even if everyone else is coupled up; most days I’d rather be a third (or fifth) wheel than not go out at all.

Understand if I need to flake out once in a while.

Drop him a line or send him a care package, if you feel comfortable doing so. He loves to see anything from home, and to know that someone – even (or especially) someone he doesn’t know – is thinking about him.

Share your experiences, if you’ve got them. In addition to my sister (as well as my Service sisters), the other pillar of strength during this distance has been a dear family friend who sent her sweetheart off to World War II. Not only is she incredibly encouraging, but she’s able to offer great perspective. He was gone for five years; they had only letters for communication. Let’s not even talk about how much battlefield medicine has progressed since then. Considering this does wonders to drag me out of my self-pity. (Best of all, he came home safely and they’ve been able to grow old together, and that gives me all kinds of hope.)

Finally, the one suggestion that I think holds for all of us: If you don’t know what we need, ask.

Can't say enough

This week i wrote an open letter to our American service men and women, my little way of saying thank you.


To all of the men and women of the United States Armed Forces:

THANK YOU.

I'm sure there are times when you don't hear those words enough; but from the core of my being: Thank you.

Thank you for doing what I cannot. I would make a lousy soldier and I know that; so I leave that job for those of you who are stronger and braver than I. There are not words to adequately describe the appreciation and admiration I hold for each of you. I know very well the sacrifices you make day in and day out; at least as much as I can understand having never been to war myself.

My opinion of this war or that conflict is immaterial. What matters is that each one of you know that you have my respect and support by any means I have. I can only hope that through reading this, and the letters of my fabulous Service Sisters, you will be able to see that the media and assorted critics are a very small percentage of Americans. Most Americans I know, myself included, are proud to call this country home.

I for one am grateful for the security and peace I enjoy because of men and women like you who take the burden of freedom onto themselves. The older I get, the more aware I become that not only is freedom not free, it's a very expensive privilege and I, along with millions of other Americans, are blessed to know no other way of life. Thank you for your willingness to make personal sacrifices to keep this country great. Thank you for taking on the responsibility of guarding the freedoms we enjoy and frequently take for granted.

"Freedom has its life in the hearts, the actions, the spirit of men and so it must be daily earned and refreshed - else like a flower cut from its life-giving roots, it will wither and die." ~Dwight D. Eisenhower

What I can do is say thank you, in words and actions. I cannot empathize over the horrors of war; but I can listen and I can sympathize, and sometimes that is enough. I can say that I am proud to be an American because of your bravery and humility. You are true warriors with courage and pride I can only hope to someday achieve.

While the words are pitiful in light of the reality you face; they are sincere words. Don't lose heart; though the critics are loud...they are few. Stay safe where ever you are, or what ever your mission may be. Take care of each other and come home safely. You are loved, thought of fondly and missed greatly.

With love and prayers for safety, 

Silent Ranks in movies?

Last night's movie of choice was We Were Soldiers, a movie that always makes me cry but it excellently filmed and acted. I still cry at three separate scenes every time I watch; but that's ok by me. I think it's healthy to still be affected by tragedy, I don't ever want to become hardened and cynical. This movie has a wonderful portrayal of what most of the silent ranks looks like. These were strong, loving women who supported their soldiers and each other...through the good times and the bad.


It was my experience that the Silent Ranks really do stick together...we came from very different backgrounds, beliefs and politics; but when it came to our men, there was nothing that split us apart. I have women in my life that I have never even met...that i consider family...some are closer than sisters yet still...we've never met face to face. That's what a deployment/distance does, it brings people together who normally wouldn't have given more than the time of day to one another.


I am not advocating deployments as a means to friendship...but what i am saying is that there is a lot more to the women who comprise the boots on the ground than what is normally shown. This movie does a much better job of showing that than most I've seen.


For the record, there were no fights during this movie...only sporadic pieces of trivia and history. Which, in my mind, is a much better outcome.