Advice on break-ups?

I get a lot of people asking me for advice about break ups. I will give it a go. Beware that this is how i personally would handle this situation. This is in response to the many questions you lovely readers send me. Hope it helps!

Don’t waste your time on people who don’t treat you well. That seems obvious right? Well I’m pretty sure that I am surrounded by masochists because I get a lot of mail along the lines of “He cheated. How do I get him back?” and “I love him, but he broke up with me and now he’s dating my cousin,” etc. Breaking up hurts, but being with someone who treats you like shit hurts way more in the long run, so nurse your breakup hangover with a pint of ice cream or a few vodka sodas (for my over 21 fans) and be reassured that he or she will probably die miserable and alone someday.

Listen, listen, listen. Yeah, I know. Of course we heard him when he said he didn’t want a girlfriend, but like, we don’t want to be in a relationship either. I can’t tell you how many times I made this mistake. I saw a cute guy I liked and I went deaf. I ignored all the signs that this is not a good fit and continued blindly ahead. If this is too vague for you, I’ve compiled a list of signs that this person will not be a good girlfriend/boyfriend from various friends’ and my pas experiences with “not listening:”

• Tells you he (or she) just wants to have a good time
• Is wearing a wedding ring, but is currently in the middle of a divorce
• Does not bathe, or have a job, or do anything productive really
• Has a carseat in the backseat but makes no mention of having a child
• Still lives with his ex, but only because “finding an apartment in this city is hard”
• Is “polyamorous” (look that one up kiddies… it’s not cheating if it’s an open relationship)

Which brings me to my next point…

Be honest with yourself about what you want. Don’t change to fit his or her wants and needs. This was huge with my friends and I in high school. One of my girlfriends would suddenly take a keen interest in the rules and game strategies of football and before I could say, What the fuck? I’d see her start drooling over some senior walking down the hall in his varsity football jersey.

 When you’re older, it’s even worse.  You meet a man who is just perfect.  Then you realize he wants to have five kids and live on the West Coast by the time he’s 35 and you just got used to the idea of owning a plant and being on an actual lease.  So be realistic and stay true to yourself.  You may feel like you’re losing out on something in that moment, but really you’re just opening yourself up to meeting someone who actually wants and likes the same things as you.

Focus on YOU.  According to me, every person I ever dated has an amazing relationship with someone else now. It’s easy to become jealous after a breakup. People move on and your ex will date other people. But so will you even if he gets there first.  And just try to be satisfied with the fact that deep down he will never find anyone better than you and you’re way hotter than his new girlfriend anyways. It works for me. Just kidding (sort of.)

As for all the other specific questions you guys asked, I will try to answer some of them in this list of Do’s and Dont’s.

• Don’t get back together with him if he was a shithead the first time. This will likely not change.
• Don’t date your best friend’s ex without her permission no matter how much you love him because that’s asshole behavior and no one likes an asshole.
• Do blog. I love hearing other people tell me about their blogs. Writing is super cathartic!
• Don’t worry about friends who choose him over you. They clearly weren’t good friends in the first place.
• Don’t worry if you act a bit crazy in the midst of a breakup. We all have our moments. Just don’t get yourself arrested… it sucks.
• Don’t wait for him if he begins dating someone new, but you know they aren’t meant to be. Life is not a Nicholas Sparks novel.
• Do let yourself fall in love again. Even with all the shit parts, I still think it’s worth it.

There you go. That’s all I’ve got for now.