That's how I've been feeling lately.. Indifferent. Indifferent about everything. About who I am, what I want and who I want to be. Indifferent about my friendships, my love and my life. The people I long to hold onto the most are the people I seem to be losing the quickest, and it is all my fault. Maybe not right out and obvious but it is all me. I pull away. I pull away from everyone. If I'm not close to anyone, I can't hurt them anymore.
Eventually, I just became numb. A ghost of who I used to be. I plastered a fake smile on my face and pretended everything was okay. And it was, until I realized that by keeping everyone else in the blue, I am torturing myself. To the world, I am the happiest person around. My friends know me as the outgoing smart ass who will say or do anything because she can. I'm the girl who laughs hysterically at everything and never stops smiling. I'm the girl who will stick her neck out for the friends who don't deserve it because I am terrified of losing them. I'm also the girl who has a notebook filled with every bad thought about myself I have ever had. I'm hiding who I am under who I used to be.
The only thing worth it anymore is Austin. He's a major upgrade from who I usually date. He worships the ground I walk on, adores me and makes me feel like I am special. He calls me beautiful and for a second, I almost believe him. But then I start to wonder, is any of this true? You know the saying 'you can't love anyone until you learn to love yourself''? That's how I feel about him. He loves me, I know he does. He'd do anything for me but I am so numb that I can barely feel anything. I want to love him. I want to let him in and give myself to him but I just can't. I feel like I'm cheating him but there is nothing I can do about it. I know he deserves better than a girl who only wishes she could feel something. He makes me want to feel everything you're supposed to feel when you're in a relationship. When I'm with him, the numbness fades. Not completely, barely even enough to register but enough that I want to hold on and never let go. I feel like i upset him a lot, and that he isn't as happy as he says he is with me.
It's hard but I'm working through it. I'll plaster another smile on my face and pray that one day I won't have to pretend anymore. Pray that one day I will actually be able to feel again. Love again. Be, again. I miss who I was. But I'm terrified of who I will become. I want to be the girl I convince people I am. I really do.