I'm FINE.

Ok, so I'm in a military frame of mind today for some reason...I can't really figure it out, though I will readily admit that I'm not really attempting to analyze it in the first place. So, to make use of this time here is an excerpt of some of the writing I've done for the Survival Guide my friend and I have been working on periodically. This passage is about the insecurities that rear their ugly heads during a deployment. If any one has comments, they are appreciated...yes that is a shameless plea for someone (anyone) to acknowledge that they are hanging around reading what I write. ;)

Insecurity is an issue that everyone faces at some point; and unfortunately deployments bring out the deepest fears and insecurities in the toughest people without fail. It can be especially unsettling if your man isn’t usually insecure. Austin and I always joked that his theme song (come on, you all know you have one…it’s in the back of your head somewhere...I'll admit mine...it's Everybody Got Their Something) is Cocky by Kid Rock. Like most born soldiers, Austin is incredibly self-assured and downright cocky. “It ain’t braggin’ if you back it up” is the attitude; it’s an aura of authority and absolutely no fear. They can take on the world, after all they are off to the other side of the globe to fight injustice and to be your own personal Superman.

Then, the time comes, usually about a week before your man is scheduled to leave the States, and seemingly out of nowhere everything feels like its been turned upside down. I’ve talked to several soldiers who have returned from deployments and the scenario is always the same. Sometimes they are told by their superiors that the should expect their significant others, be it wives or girlfriends, to cheat on them or at the very least leave them with “dear John” letters while they are still overseas. For some soldiers, it’s just an insecurity in themselves. Whatever the reason is and where ever it originates, it will factor into a major part of your pre-deployment relationship.

It may manifest in a variety of ways. For me, it came in the form of frequent fights, where there hadn’t been any previously.

Deployment isn't as bad as the thought of not having Austin as a part of my life at all. The distance did take time for him to adjust at first...especially since he felt that being in a relationship means that it's not just himself involved. Austin has actually apologized to me for bringing me into this...at that point I told him that I was a grown-up. I hadn't been kidnapped or brain-washed and I chose to be with him the same way he chose to be with me...there was nothing to apologize for. After a while, it finally sunk in, but on particularly low day, I still had to remind him. I've noticed most of them freak out and try to distance themselves at some point as deployments draw near.

Once they are gone, emotions will continue to run high and they may shift without even a moment’s notice. Austin and I tried to talk about all the things each of us was feeling even if we didn’t think the other person wanted to hear it. He was usually pretty open with me, but we had a code word for when something was up. If one of us said the phrase, “I’m fine” that was a red flag for a bigger problem. At one point early on, I asked him if he knew what “FINE” stood for. It’s been said the FINE is really an acronym:

F- freaked out
I- insecure
N- neurotic
E- emotional

And usually when someone uses the word it’s either to get people to not question further, or it’s the politically correct answer to use. Rarely are people “fine” when they claim to be. So, with that thought in mind, either of us uttering that phrase signaled a long discussion about what was really going on..

Stay tuned...there is soo much more where that came from. Maybe eventually I'll be able to illicit a response from ya'll.

Side note: Here's a little funny something i enjoyed today. :)