Scrapping the memories

Last night I went on a little trip down memory lane…I was really missing Austin. Nothing specific…I just missed his presence. So, I did something I haven’t done in months and months…I dug out the scrapbook I made of his deployment. I’m not all into scrapbooking, I don’t have the attention span for it…but I had a lot of fun making his.

The book isn’t done yet…it may never be, I don’t know. I still have a couple hundred photos to put in and there are still thousands saved on his laptop that I haven’t gotten a hold of. Putting that book together was good therapy for me. My friend and i used to work on them together late at night…and there was a huge time crunch toward the end of August, we each wanted to have a presentable (though unfinished) book to show the guys.

Austin loved his…I told him he couldn’t have it until I was done…that was also an excuse to keep it safe until I know that no one else will get a hold of it. We both know it is something he’s going to want years down the road. I know it sounds all sinister or at least cynical that I don’t trust Austin with his own book; but that truly is characteristic of the instability of his life as we know it.

Anyway, that book has some (most) of my favorite pictures of Austin, his guys, the area he lived in while deployed, his home on post, and some of us. I also put in every letter, card, and basically every written thing he has ever given me. I hadn’t read any of those in almost a year…it brought back some really strong emotions and memories. Those words got me through a lot of tough times that year…I know you military girlfriends and wives out there are feelin’ me on this.

I used to read them every night…sometimes twice if I was scared or felt like he was too far away. Austin knew how to write in a way that touched my heart. With me, his tough guy façade faded away and the real Austin would come out…he was sweet and understanding and even compassionate…but shhh…don’t tell…hehehe…he’d just die if anyone knew that he isn’t actually an asshole.

It was good for me to remember the good times and to remember that even with all of that distance and the awful way we were thrown into the whole mess, we made it through…and we were really strong…in some ways we still are…

Sometimes i feel he has PTSD. He shakes all the time when he sleeps. He freaks out a lot. It's just weird. I've read the symptoms and they all match up. I keep convincing myself he doesn't have it...I don’t blame anyone for it…I could get angry…but at whom? I don’t blame our government…I don’t blame the Army either. They are just inanimate entities anyway…it’s not as though they act with the intent of ruining people’s lives. I know some will disagree with that statement…and that’s ok with me. I am saddened that it is my life and Austin's life that were shattered with the fallout of war…but I understand that it is a reality of humanity. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone else…but I have to believe that it’s all for a bigger purpose in the end.

I could be angry that the love of my life was taken from me for a year just when we were getting settled into our relationship…I could be angry that the man who was “taken” from me was “returned” as someone so different…but I’m not. Yes, Austin is a different man now then he was then…some of that is good, some is downright awful…but the truth is, I’m not the same woman I was when he left either.

So ok, that’s how life goes, you take the bad with the good and you try to make sense of it and sometimes you have to take comfort in knowing that you are not alone and that there are others going through the same thing and if you look, you can find healing and happiness in whatever life throws at you.

I know that someday it will all work itself out…I have nothing but respect for the men and women who have been, are currently, or will be deployed and the ones back home who love them unconditionally.To the women I have gotten to know through this experience: you are all incredible, loving, strong women and I thank you for everything you’ve done in my own life. Love ya’ll!!!

Busy, Busy

This weekend was busy as usual…nothing too exciting or out of the ordinary. Ooh and for the record, MAC has some fabulous new palettes coming out February 15th!! And the brush collections…fantastic! Ok that’s the end of the commercial…MAC just makes me happy.

Saturday was family BBQ day…it happens about twice a month…either we go to my parents house or my step-sister and her boys come up our way…soon I’ll get to host Family BBQ in my own place!! Yay! That makes me happy too.

Hey, look, it appears that I am in a good mood without realizing it. Not that I was in a bad mood, I guess I just didn’t stop to think about it… and with my serious lack of sleep the last week or so, it’s a wonder I am functioning at all. But that’s ok, as Nikka says:

“You can choose the rain, but I choose the sun...that's all I need to free myself”

Certain of Uncertainty

When you are in a long distance relationship, it can be difficult to escape doubt. When that long distance relationship is caused by a deployment, all the normal fears escalate. Not only is there geographical distance but there is emotional distance as well. Once your soldier puts on his war face it's even worse.

This doubt is screaming in my face,
in this familiar place, sheltered and concealed.
If this night won't let me rest,
Don't let me second guess what I know to be real.

There are many times over course of my relationship with Austin that I have doubted myself or us. It's not easy so remain strong when the man you love is thousands of miles away and doesn't have the ability to give anything more than infrequent reassurance.

When I felt Austin withdraw from me and our relationship, I panicked. What happened? Things were going so well! We didn't fight, we could talk about anything and everything, we were falling completely in love...what changed? What did I do? What didn't I do that I should have? (For me, there was an added insecurity...army hookers, I'll explain, I swear) All these questions and more haunted me for a while...they still do on a bad day.

So, the next question is, "how do I keep the doubt from consuming me?" Well, there are several different things that help; though nothing is 100% effective except having him beside me. When he first left, I used to read and reread the texts, emails and instant message conversations between us. I saved all the important text messages I could...in fact, here we are almost two years later and I still have some of them.

Making plans together helped us though. I knew that whether we actually did all the things we talked about or not was immaterial. What mattered was that we were thinking about our future.


I also had an amazing network of support comprised of other Army girlfriends and wives who were going through the same deployment and distance at the same time. It was comforting to know that I wasn't alone. These girls were there at all hours of the night, willing to talk about anything that I needed to. All of us service sisters went through deployments and distance together, and I am eternally grateful for each and every one of them.

Giving into the doubt is not an option for me. Even when I doubt myself, I am constantly reminded that every fiber of my being knows innately that Austin loves me and that eventually we will find the balance that we seek together. We are inexplicably and eternally linked to one another. We both understand that while this life may make no sense, together the world is clearer.

I have come to understand that the pain of passing doubt and confusion is nothing compared to the pain of giving in to the doubt and losing hope.

My line of support.

Disclaimer: I have to start this post by saying that to all my friends, I love you dearly. I can't imagine my life without a single one of you. Please understand that the words that follow need to come out of me as this place is my therapy. Don't doubt for a second my love for you all.

There are times when, no matter how hard you try, you just can't keep the sun in view. Today started out as one of those days. I am doing well in the mental balance arena; but it's a stretch right now.

I know that there are many people in my life who care deeply for me, and I am very grateful and blessed. Sometimes I am even overwhelmed by that love. Right now there are people in my life who care too much and the pressure becomes too great for me. I feel like I am supposed to be everything to everyone and then there is nothing left for me. It's probably my own projections based on my insecurities, but there it is...true or not, it is my reality.

Knowing that they love in spite of my shortcomings only adds to that pressure. Right now, breathing is about all I am capable of in my physical life...but that's not enought for some people. They need to know that I can still be one of the "shiny happy people" or they worry. Again, I can't take that much pressure...I will shut down and when that happens, few can get through to me.

I came back from lunch today feeling the weight of these things. Then the sliver of sunshine. A wonderful friend who has been like a sister to me for only a few months wrote me something so comforting a few days ago that i had to re-read it. She has never expected me to be anything other than myself and she knows me well enough to allow me to be down. She has the knack of just knowing when I need pushed and when I need to find my own path. So Kailene, thank you. Thank you for being so beautiful inside and out. Thank you for always watching over me while still allowing me to make my own choices. Thank you for being there for me when my world seems to crumble. My words are insufficient to say how much of the weight you lifted off my soul these last couple of weeks.

Scrapping the memories.

Last night I went on a little trip down memory lane…I was really missing Austin. Nothing specific…I just missed his presence. So, I did something I haven’t done in months and months…I dug out the scrapbook I made of his deployment. I’m not all into scrapbooking because I don’t have the attention span for it…but I had a lot of fun making his.

The book isn’t done yet…it may never be, I don’t know. I still have a couple hundred photos to put in and there are still thousands saved on his laptop that I haven’t gotten a hold of. Putting that book together was good therapy for me.

Austin loved his…I told him he couldn’t have it until I was done…that was also an excuse to keep it safe until I know that no one else will get a hold of it. We both know it is something he’s going to want years down the road. I know it sounds all sinister or at least cynical that I don’t trust Austin with his own book; but that truly is characteristic of the instability of his life as we know it.

Anyway, that book has some (most) of my favorite pictures of Austin, his guys, the area he lived in while deployed, his home base, and some of us. I also put in every letter, card, and written thing he has ever given me. It always brings back some really strong emotions and memories. Those words got me through a lot of tough times that year…I know you military girlfriends and wives out there are feelin’ me on this.

I used to read those little notes every night…sometimes twice if I was scared or felt like he was too far away. Austin knew how to write in a way that touched my heart. With me, his tough guy façade faded away and the real Austin would come out…he was sweet and understanding and even compassionate…but shhh…don’t tell…hehehe…he’d just die if anyone knew that he isn’t actually an asshole.

It was good for me to remember the good times and to remember that even with all of this distance and the awful way we were thrown into the whole mess, we made it through…and we were really strong…in some ways we still are…

I could be angry that the love of my life was taken from me for a year just when we were getting settled into our relationship…I could be angry that the man who was “taken” from me was “returned” as someone so different…but I’m not. Yes, Austin is a different man now then he was then…some of that is good, some is downright awful…but the truth is, I’m not the same woman I was when he left either. I wouldn’t give back the strength and resilience I cultivated during those long hard months.

So ok, that’s how life goes, you take the bad with the good and you try to make sense of it and sometimes you have to take comfort in knowing that you are not alone and that there are others going through the same thing and if you look, you can find healing and happiness in whatever life throws at you.

I know that someday it will all work itself out…I have nothing but respect for the men and women who have been, are currently, or will be deployed and the ones back home who love them unconditionally.

The Jaywalker.

If I were to tell you that I jaywalked and got hit by a car and broke my leg, you’d probably feel a little bad for me. But after my leg healed, what if I jaywalked again and got hit and broke my arm? And then while I was still in my cast, I jaywalked once more and got hit and ended up in a full fucking body cast. You’d say I was insane.


This is pretty much what I do with Austin. We fight. We talk. We have space. We try to handle each other. I get emotional. He gets weird and evasive. I blow up and act like a crazy bitch. We start the cycle over.


You think I would have learned my lesson by now, but apparently I need to be smacked over the head with it a half dozen times before it sinks in. Although, I’ve been run over by it more than once already, so I’m not sure what it’s gonna take. I’ve got fucking skid marks on my forehead, but I’m pretty stubborn, so maybe I need like a bulldozer to knock me over to get it.


I have the sweetest friends in the world. Perhaps too sweet. When I called them in tears this weekend for the gazillionth time, they all said the same thing. I will learn my lesson when I learn it and I shouldn’t beat myself up for making mistakes. I was really hoping one of them would smack me and tell me to snap the fuck out of it. But no, they told me I torture myself enough already and refused to add to it.


I woke up Sunday, wishing I could hide under my covers forever. I felt like I had reverted back to the old me. The impulsive, emotional me. I had prepared myself to lay in bed and sulk till I had to go to this photography session. Then my friend called and insisted I come to the gym with her, saying it would make me feel better. In fact, although she insists it wasn’t, I’m pretty sure it was the hardcore boxing. I was drenched in sweat and ready to die 15 minutes in. So, I guess that was her way of punishing me.


But while I was laying there during the cool-down part and thanking God I made it through, I realized something. I’d only be the “old me” if I hid and continued to beat myself up. Growing up is about getting back in the saddle, even if it’s the last fucking place you want to be. Even if you’ve alienated half of the city with your actions. Even if it means subjecting yourself to, as Glee’s Sue Sylvester says, “cruel, slow motion laughter directed at you.” It sucks, but you gotta do it.


Kind of like potty training. It’s way easier to just, you know, poop yourself and let other people clean up your messes. But, when you finally master the art of pooping on a toilet, you realize all the hard work is totally worth not having to sit around in your own shit.

Soldier's Angels!

May no soldier go unloved...

As a volunteer-led nonprofit with 200,000 volunteers, Soldiers Angels has over 30 different teams supporting all branches of the U.S. Armed Forces. Through special projects, dedicated teams and individuals supporting our troops, they make a visible difference in the lives of our service members and their families.

http://www.soldiersangels.org/

Soldier's Angels is a volunteer-led nonprofit that encompasses over 20 different teams and programs. They send letters, care packages, and comfort items to deployed American service members, and we support their families here at home.

Its not envy. Okay, maybe it is.

Perhaps I’m calling myself out as a true child of the early 90's, but for a greater part of my childhood I could not wait to be fourteen like the girls in my beloved Babysitters’ Club books. Seriously, my life goal at ten was to wear a training bra and watch other people’s screaming children after school. Sixteen was not even on the radar.

Never would I have imagined that I’d ever reach the ripe old age of almost twenty and actually start to feel left behind in life. But lately, it seems like everyone I know is finding that special someone and getting engaged. Almost daily, Facebook bombards me with updates about high school acquaintances preparing to embark on their new life with their soul mate. I have managed to preview at least half a dozen different wedding albums this summer and before this year I could not have ever fathomed that my news feed would include people’s sonogram pictures.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not bitter. Okay, maybe I’m a teensy bit bitter. It’s just that one of the reasons I left my ex was because I swore to myself I would never end up married and pregnant before thirty like I knew most of my schoolmates were destined to.

But, although I’m not sure whether to blame falling madly in love with a completely inappropriate guy then losing him or the inevitable jump starting of my biological clock, I found myself all of a sudden wanting just that last year. Suddenly, I found myself drooling over pictures of girls’ engagement rings and sitting in a darkened theater watching the documentary Babies by myself in the middle of the afternoon. And it just torments me.

Everyone knows you can’t force love to happen, although you can get artificially inseminated and make a baby happen, but I’m not sure a turkey baster is the best way to solve my feelings of crippling loneliness. So in the meantime, I will clench my eyes shut and turn my head when I see Modern Bride Magazine in the grocery store aisles and sweetly congratulate my old friends on Facebook and try to remember that I live in the city where, if you’re lucky, dreams come true and I am young and surrounded by thousands of in-shape guys.

Advice. Asked for. Given.

Beware: The rant i'm about to have is ONLY directed to wives and girlfriends who REFUSE to ask and accept advice when someone goes OUT of THEIR way to give it to them. One of my girlfriends who's s/o that she's been with for a little over 2 month's is in the military. She was posting status' that only made it seem like she was wallowing in self pity. I told her everything was gonna be ok and gave her advice to handle it. She took that as i was trying to "tell her what to do" and i was "acting like i knew everything".


Everyone needs a piece of advice every once awhile in their life. It might be a new haircut, dealing with a crying newborn, or a shaky marriage. But, who do you go to for that? Someone who has been there before right? Why is it that some wives/girlfriends are too proud to ask or even take advice? Yes, a lot of them do don't get me wrong. But, those who don't, does the "Oh, pity me" stop? No. Some wives/girlfriends feed off the pity people give them and the ego of, "I am a wife of a soldier." I am just sickened that these women are even considered a Military wife/girlfriend with their discipline, loyalty, and honor they supposably have. If anyone has been there and done that, take the fucking advice. Not continue your self pity so people can come up to you and comfort you like a spoiled child. You never see military spouses that are husbands wallow in their self pity that their wife is deployed or in the military.

These wives/girlfriends just want attention. And, sometimes, they are trying to fill the hole their husbands can't fill to be cared about. Any excuse is not an excuse for me. You are a grown fucking woman...act like it. So, for any wives/girlfriends who act that way and are reading this now....let me break down for you. *clears thoat and makes her voice high pitched like a K-5 teacher does*

Now children, what do we do when we are having a hard time and someone who has been in your shoes tries to help you? That's right! Take the advice! And, what do we not do??? Very good! Not continue to make an excuse to want attention. YAY!!!

If you want to act like a child, you are going to be treated as one. You might be going through a hard time but that is no excuse for wanting attention all the time. You might deny you want pity, but let's face it....it makes you feel good doesn't it? To be thought about, cared about, and reassured by strangers. Sound harsh? It really isn't, just the truth. These wives might not want to admit it, but deep down inside they know it is true. And, all the pity is directed toward their husband's line of duty. They knew what they were marrying into, what their husbands were signing up for. But, even before deployment the little pity parties start. If your husband is home with you, why tell every person you run across "My husband is in the military and he does this. And, his rank is this. So, he has these responsibilities." Are you looking for a pat on the back now, or a hug? Did you take the oath to serve your country? I didn't think so. If your husband is deployed, why is it ten times worse. "My husband deployed and I am surviving. And, don't cry for me. And, it is a sacrifice we make. And, he has been gone this long." Do you realize how annoying that sounds? Telling everyone in your path or online that your husband is deployed? It's one thing to tell people who ask. All your friends and family know, so why boast about it? You might as well have a sticker on your forehead so you can spread the word even more. If your husband is back from being overseas and injuried, mildly or severly, why do you need to be comforted all the time by anything or anyone.

So, I don't know if it is just the pity that you want or if you just don't love your husband as much as you love the title...maybe both. Put that in your juice box and suck on it.

Lucky.

Today, I just want to point out the major problem in our relationships as significant others of our men in the service: lack of communication. This is the fatal flaw. Well, it's a flaw, but it doesn't have to be fatal. I think most of the conflicts between my soldier and I arise when we haven't been in touch. Once you get used to the idea of your beloved being gone, it's easy to get caught up in the demands of your own life, and he gets caught up in the demands of his. It's easy to start leading different lives and unknowingly start down different paths. I know it's frustrating and sometimes you just want to scream, cry, and be rid of the trials the Military can put you through. Just remember, the distance can also be a blessing. You don't take your man for granted. You cherish every moment he is there with you. Every time you meet after a long time apart, it's like falling in love all over again. It's like experiencing your first kiss over and over. It doesn't get boring because there is always something new to learn about him. You are both changing, working hard to balance your lives, and something makes you cling together. Something makes you want to stay with this almost-stranger. What is it that you're sticking around for? Whenever you feel down, just focus on that. Focus on all his habits you miss. The wait is entirely worth it.

For those romantics out there, check out this song. I think it says it all.

---- > "Lucky"

:)

Tag Chasers...

It's one thing to be a military brat, but it is another to train your daughter to chase after soldiers. 


The other day, i was talking to a girl online who's mother told her to flirt with the officer's in the military. She then told me that her father was in the military so she lives on base. She told me her mother tells her to flirt with them and then says, "Good girl, going after the guys with high ranks." 


What the hell is that suppose to mean? Another time I was talking to a girl that I know and was appalled when she told me how her mother has a thing for a man in uniform and she tells her she better bring a soldier home at some point. I'm sorry, but have you people lost your minds? Your daughter's main priority should be being happy and in love! Not what her boyfriend wears. Military life isn't what it is cracked up to be. So, you are basically telling your pride and joys to be Tag Chasers?

I will give you a brief description on what an Tag Chaser is for now, but I will explain them better in another chapter. A Tag Chaser is pretty much a woman that will do ANYTHING to get a hold of a someone in the military, marry him, and live off of him while she sits on her lazy ass and collects the United States government's money and all the benefits. And to top it off, to have the title Military Wife like it is some sort of royalty. Pshhh. This is not directed to anyone who wants to marry someone in the military...believe me i think everyone WANTS to...but wants to marry them only to live off of their benefits!

So, anyway, back to the boot camp for your children before I start on that rant. Honestly, making your daughter go after as high ranking as she can get is making her into a slut. Sorry, but it is true. You should be worried about her happiness besides a rank on a uniform. And to say that your daughter has good taste for going after soldiers is the most pathetic thing I have ever heard in my life! Your daughter having good taste for a gentleman that treats her well would be the right answer. If you want your daughter to go after the uniform, you have your priorities wrong and you need to be slapped back into reality. HELLO! THIS ISN'T YOUR OWN LITTLE MILITARY WIFE FANTASY WHERE EVERYONE THINKS YOU ARE SOOOOOO IMPORTANT FOR BEING A MILITARY WIFE! THIS IS REAL LIFE! REALITY CHECK!

End vent.

That's How It Is.

This is a personal email someone wrote to me on Facebook...This is the advice i have given her.


"I have been having some problems ever since my other half came home about 2 months ago. And, i'm looking for some support, someone to talk to, I went to a woman who has something in common with me; her husband has been over in Iraq for the better part of last year. What I was not expecting was her reaction to my asking her for help. She told me that, because I don't have a ring on my finger, my situation had no comparison to hers, since I wasn't a military wife that I wasn't worth anything. That I couldn't possibly know anything about how it feels or what it's like when he is away. I don't understand how i'm any different. What do you think?"

I just want to set the record strait for anyone out there who agrees with her, while she may not be a wife to her soldier, she has has been as good as one for almost a year now. She may not know much, but this is what she does know: She knows what it is like to hold him and kiss him for the last time before he boards a plane that will take him away from her for months. He is gone for weeks and her not being able to touch him. She's watched him scarf his food down in two minutes flat because that is the amount of time he was used to allotting himself for a meal. She's seen him exhausted and barely able to talk to her for five minutes because he was forced to stay up for over 24 hours. She's woken up to him shaking and couldn't even BEGIN to imagine what he saw in his dreams. She knows what it's like to wonder when she'll ever be able to see him. She may not be a military wife and she may not know much about being one -- technically, but she knows everything I have mentioned above because she has seen it and felt it for herself. She knows her soldier, inside and out... and backwards. She probably knows him better than he knows himself. And, no matter where he is, what he is going through, what he is doing and whatever he is thinking about at the time... when she's with him, she is home. And she would do anything, within or completely out of her reach to keep him safe and with her at all times.


To me, that is what a military wife really is, it has nothing to do with a marriage license or jewelry.

To the Military Wives & GF's: I know that we are all going though tough times and we deal with it in different ways and it is so hard sometimes. I have recently run into a number of wives/girlfriends who are going through this or have gone through this and too many of them give up. I care too much about mine to let that happen and while he claims he does not need help, that he has only been home for a little while and it will get better, I know that just sticking by him will mean a world of difference.

Frustrations of an Army Girlfriend.

You know... I love my man with all my heart and there is nothing I can't handle. But I must take a moment to vent. Let me just tell you how hard it can be to handle a man that is away. It is soooo difficult. There is a strain on the relationship because for the time being its hard to actually have the "relationship." Being with someone in the military you are put in a hard position. Your man expects you to understand what he is going through and to be positive 24/7. They are always tired, low, and stressed. They look forward to hearing their woman's voice as much as they can because it gives them a sense of being at home. But the last thing they need is to here negative things come from there life. After all, they are constantly surrounded by negative during the day. 


You learn that they don't mean to take their stress and irritability out on you but they just do. The hardest part is taking it all in and then just smiling and shrugging it off. You have to learn that your relationship issues must be put on hold because there is never a good time to show any negative sides.


 If you are reading this and have just gotten into a relationship with someone in the military know that I am no expert. But I am learning. Its a difficult process but in time you start to understand a little more. The army comes first whether you like it or not. Thats just the way it is. But remember you have a choice. If you really love the man and want to spend your life with him then you will never give up. Just continue to love, nurture, pray, and be positive. Believe me, I'm preaching to myself. I don't have the hang of this at all yet but I'm learning and I'm also learning that I am not the only one. There are a million other army girlfriends/wives/and mothers that have or are still learning how to deal with this. 


Even though its hard...I wouldn't change a thing. I love him. You gotta take the good with the bad right?

The Bigger Picture.

Did you ever have plans for yourself when you were a little girl/boy? Things that you swore you'd do at a certain age, and things you swore you'd NEVER do? For me, as long as I can remember, I always told myself I'd never date someone in the military. I couldn't imagine having a loved one be sent off to war or wonder what they are going through each day. I told myself I'd never get myself involved with that. Ever.

How did I let this happen?! How did I let a sweet, intelligent and perfect man sweep me off my feet and then leave me for the Army? How did I let myself become so "fallen" that I even said I'd wait for him? That I'd be with him? That I'd suffer through this with him?

Anyway, I've been taking it in stride and laugh at the fact that when you ask for lemons, life hands you watermelons. When you ask for snow you get rain, when you want chocolate you get vanilla, and so on. But I find you have to trust in a higher power and know that things will work out for the best. Going without much communication with him has nearly turned me into a crazy person various amounts of times, but I have not lost my cool yet.

If you are a girlfriend or spouse of someone joining the military, below is a "how-to" or a survival guide" to follow for the beginning.

1.~Establish the feelings between each other before he leaves. Know, without a shadow of a doubt, that you both want the same thing out of each other.

2.~Establish what you both will expect from each other, i.e. frequency of letters, phone calls, visits, etc.

3.~Visits can get expensive. Work out the details of that before they start.

4.~Have someone you can confide in who understands what you're going through. A friend, family member, etc.

5.~Join an online group. There are a lot of online support groups out there, especially dedicated to girlfriends of military service men. They are really supportive.

6.~GOOGLE. Seriously, I have found out a lot just by researching online.

7.~Remain calm, say prayers, and love, as much as you can. \

Without him...

Escaping The Past.

I think in life, no matter how old we are or where we’ve been…we all have that one person; that one thing, that memory, that period in life that tends to make everything in life feel like it’s falling apart. It’s that phase in life that you spend your whole life trying to escape….because you don’t want to go back there. You don’t want to relive it or be reminded of who you used to be.

You just don’t want to go there.

Tonight my "demon”...a bold reminder of the person I used to be, resurfaced itself. My evening, my week, everything just feels like it’s crashing down.It’s one of those things that if i don’t lay it to rest, it will just destroy you and I.

I don't know why but sometimes i lock up. And i keep everything to myself. I can tell it destroys him but i can't control it. I feel like no matter what i do no one will ever understand what is going through my head. I feel like i could try all day to explain it but it will never sink. He always wants me to be open with him. And a lot of the time i am, but sometimes it's really hard. I feel like he tries really hard to know what i'm thinking and feeling...but i don't think he will ever understand...no matter how hard he tries. It's not his fault, it's just how i've always been. I'm working on opening up to him. I love him so much and it bothers me when i can't seem to find it in myself to open up to him and tell him what exactly is on my mind. I mean i should be able to do that by now right? I mean we've been together for forever now. Hopefully i can work around this soon. Until then this communication thing might be the death of me. I understand i talk a lot of crap most of the time. I'm hypocritical almost all the time and i get that. It's just sometimes easier to give other people advice, rather than taking it myself.

Michelle & Nick's Wedding! 12-31-11

My sister is now, Mrs. Michelle Varela! She finally tied the knot on December 31^st 2011! Her wedding was a complete success. We spend months getting everything ready and I’m so happy it turned out so well! She had ten bridesmaids and ten groomsmen. I know what you’re thinking, “That’s a big wedding party!” Yes, yes it was. But that just made it ten times more fun! Michelle and Nick were married at the First Baptist Church of Murphy. Their ceremony was held at the Bella Ballroom! The church was so tiny. It fit about 150 people. The wedding party was really cramped while we were standing throughout the ceremony, but luckily we all survived the tiny space!

Oh, you know. Just dancing.

Being the Maid of Honor is not as easy as it looks. I spent more time stuffing presents into my little Honda Accord…than I did at the actual wedding reception. Luckily Austin invited his friend Matt who has a truck. Without him I would’ve had to make two trips just to get everything back to the house. So thank you, Matt! When I wasn’t packing presents, collecting left over wedding favors, making sure I didn’t forget photo book (Which by the way, my sister and her new husband took it with them when they left. So I spent a good thirty minutes freaking out because I thought I lost the book. Yeah, that was fun. Not.) or fixing Michelle’s bustle, I danced the night away with Austin. 

                           This was our second New Year’s Eve we've spent together!

Our New Years Kiss!

It was a great night! I’m really happy for my sister. She deserves a good guy and now she found one that lights up her whole world. I could tell she was starting to feel like she would never get married or have a family. I kept telling her to be patient, and that once you stop looking for something it usually appears right in front of you! That’s exactly what happened. Compared to Michelle’s previous relationships, Nick is the best for her. He treats her well and always puts her needs before his own. Hell, he even puts MY needs before his own. That’s the kind of person he is. He’s caring and thoughtful, which is exactly the kind of man Michelle needs. She finally got the one thing she wanted most, and now she’s on the road to creating her new little family! Hopefully I’ll be getting a new niece or nephew down the road! Anyways, enjoy some more photos from the wedding!

Photo booth madness with my mom, Austin's mom, Austin and myself!

Me, Austin, Austin's mom, Matt & Shaunn

Kim and i!

Austin was so sweet to my grandma!

Bridesmaids!

"The rings please..."

The sparkler exit!

One of the flower girls, Abby!

The Bride and Groom!

The ginormous wedding party!

Wedding programs!

Lacing her up!

Maid of Honor speech!

Memorial candle...

"You may now kiss the bride!"

Silly Michelle

Calvin, Michelle, Grammy & i

The bad ass Bridesmaids!

My new brother-in-law!

This took forever to lace...

My mother and sister!

Cutting the cake.

The beautiful Bride!

The cake was delicious! The ribbon matched perfectly!

Doing what Michelle does best...

Time for the dress!

The happy Groom!

First Baptist Church.

Bride & Maid of Honor!

Uncle Robert, Aunt Deborah, Michelle, Mom, Me & Calvin!

Family!

Saying their vows!

Beautiful Church!

All ready to go!

Groomsmen!

Her last day of being Michelle Salazar. Can you tell she's excited?

Newlyweds!

Hook Em'!

First look: Priceless.

They're cool.

The garter i bought for Michelle, thanks Etsy!

Mother of the Bride!

He's next to be married!

The happy couple.

The bridesmaid's with the Groom!

The triplet's!

The wedding party.

Guest book!

The bouquet Michelle made all on her own!

Here they come!

I caught the bouquet! Ehm...oh Austin...

Happy Bridesmaid's!

Nick and his family!

Great picture of me! Oh, you look great too, Michelle!

The Groomsmen and the Bride!