Certain of Uncertainty

When you are in a long distance relationship, it can be difficult to escape doubt. When that long distance relationship is caused by a deployment, all the normal fears escalate. Not only is there geographical distance but there is emotional distance as well. Once your soldier puts on his war face it's even worse.

This doubt is screaming in my face,
in this familiar place, sheltered and concealed.
If this night won't let me rest,
Don't let me second guess what I know to be real.

There are many times over course of my relationship with Austin that I have doubted myself or us. It's not easy so remain strong when the man you love is thousands of miles away and doesn't have the ability to give anything more than infrequent reassurance.

When I felt Austin withdraw from me and our relationship, I panicked. What happened? Things were going so well! We didn't fight, we could talk about anything and everything, we were falling completely in love...what changed? What did I do? What didn't I do that I should have? (For me, there was an added insecurity...army hookers, I'll explain, I swear) All these questions and more haunted me for a while...they still do on a bad day.

So, the next question is, "how do I keep the doubt from consuming me?" Well, there are several different things that help; though nothing is 100% effective except having him beside me. When he first left, I used to read and reread the texts, emails and instant message conversations between us. I saved all the important text messages I could...in fact, here we are almost two years later and I still have some of them.

Making plans together helped us though. I knew that whether we actually did all the things we talked about or not was immaterial. What mattered was that we were thinking about our future.


I also had an amazing network of support comprised of other Army girlfriends and wives who were going through the same deployment and distance at the same time. It was comforting to know that I wasn't alone. These girls were there at all hours of the night, willing to talk about anything that I needed to. All of us service sisters went through deployments and distance together, and I am eternally grateful for each and every one of them.

Giving into the doubt is not an option for me. Even when I doubt myself, I am constantly reminded that every fiber of my being knows innately that Austin loves me and that eventually we will find the balance that we seek together. We are inexplicably and eternally linked to one another. We both understand that while this life may make no sense, together the world is clearer.

I have come to understand that the pain of passing doubt and confusion is nothing compared to the pain of giving in to the doubt and losing hope.